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I once had a manager who told me to “tone down the gay thing” at work. The thing is, I didn’t even realize I was “out” at work. At the time, I was a sales trainer at a large global organization. I traveled to several different cities and led week long bootcamps to train new account executives. Not once did I walk into a classroom and declare that “I’m gay!” I didn’t even speak about it in social settings. It just wasn’t something I talked about. So, when my manager said that she had received feedback that I was too open with my sexuality, I didn’t quite understand where it was coming from.

Hi! My name is Justin and last spring I published a book titled Creating Belonging. The book was born out of the idea that we as individuals have a right and an imperative to live authentically at the same time holding others in a place of radical acceptance. This podcast will explore concepts from the book, we’ll dig into the Creating Belonging model, and our guests will get a little vulnerable and share their experiences in the various areas of the Creating Belonging model.

I hope that this podcast will provide you with inspiration to move into a place of greater belonging within your communities and organizations.

This story I opened with is the story I open all of my Creating Belonging workshops with, and it opens the third chapter where we begin to identify the imperative for creating belonging. I was reflecting recently and realized that the way I use the story seems to be in defiance of what happened that day.

The idea for the Creating Belonging model started a handful of years ago as I was writing a speaking proposal for a national conference. I was turned down not one year, but two years in a row and the only rationale I was given was that I didn’t work for a Fortune 500 company. Despite the rejection, I knew this concept could grow somewhere. That’s when a couple years later a good friend and colleague asked me if I knew anyone who’d be interested in speaking for an LGBTQ Employee Resource Group – to which I responded, “Are you kidding me, I’d love to!” I dug out some of the old work I’d previously begun on this concept of living authentically and after a few nights of reflection it came to me! Plain as day I could see the Creating Belonging model, I sprung out of bed at 2 am and began writing. In fact, the definitions that underlie each area of the Creating Belonging model are unchanged from my handwriting that night.

As I went deeper in the research to provide some validation to the model, I was so excited that it seemed to be supported. What was most validating were several articles which talked about various perspectives to Diversity & Inclusion interventions and that many fell into one of two camps. The first was that of the color-blind camp, that equality is emphasized and differences are minimized. Remember those statements by people “I don’t see color”. Sorry to say, but yes you do. The issue with this egalitarian approach is that majority narratives stay in place and marginalized groups are forced to conform. They don’t encourage diversity, but conformity. On the other end of the spectrum is the multi-cultural approach, where difference is celebrated. This is the more popular camp by modern day standards, but it still has its issues. Studies have found that these messages make individuals in positions of power feel uncomfortable and subsequently opt out of participating. In her book DEI Deconstructed, Lily Zheng talks about this in her third chapter.

“White people exposed to multicultural language that highlights the value of non-white contributions have a lower tolerance for disagreement or conflict. They are more likely to feel excluded and thus respond by showing less support for diversity efforts or with frustration or hostility.”

And this is where the Creating Belonging model comes in. I pose that belonging is created at the intersection of Authenticity and Acceptance. When we as individuals can dive deep into self-exploration and live our authentic selves, and at the same time dig deep into radical acceptance of others – we create belonging for everyone.

In the book I pose a model with four zones.

RECLUSE: When we’re low on authenticity and low on acceptance, we’re in recluse which I define that: We are withdrawn from the community. We mask much of our own identity and don’t respect or appreciate others’ identities.

OVERBEARING: The second zone is Overbearing, where we’re high on authenticity but low on Acceptance. I define it that we only respect our own identities and values. We assume everyone else views the world the way we do. We’re not aware of how our presence impacts others.

MINIMIZING: In the third zone we go to the opposite extreme where we’re high on acceptance but low on authenticity. It’s definition is that we mask our own identities to allow others to shine. We undervalue or hide our own identities to make others comfortable.

BELONGING: And lastly we have belonging, where we’re high on authenticity and high on acceptance. I say that it’s the right balance of authenticity and acceptance. We actively encourage others to present themselves authentically. We confidently show up without fear of rejection.

To give an example of what belonging looks like to me, I’m going to read an excerpt from the book.

Several years back I was leading a truly distributed team. We all sat in different offices across the US.. Fortunately, early in the development of our team we had the opportunity to travel together once a quarter to the various cities in which we had offices. Typically, with each meeting we would do some sort of team bonding event. If, for example, we were in San Francisco, we would focus the event on doing something that the person in San Francisco enjoyed, getting to know them a bit better.

On one of these trips, we were in Chicago, and it was my turn to design the team bonding event. I wanted to invite everyone into my home and cook dinner for them. I can’t think of anything more authentic than inviting people into your home. I also love entertaining and cooking for others.

I love to cook a variety of foods and rarely have aversions or allergies. However, when looking across my team, I had an individual who kept moderately kosher, an individual who was allergic to nuts, and one pescatarian. Making a meal with one of those observations wouldn’t be much of an issue but trying to plan an entire menu that was kosher, nut free, and pescatarian became a challenge. What might typically happen in this scenario is the host might prepare a meal to suit the majority, and then those with allergies or aversions would need to have substitutes or just exclude certain parts of the meal. However, I didn’t want to have a meal that created a focus on individual dietary needs – I wanted a meal that everyone could enjoy every part of as if the meal was made just for them. That’s what I set out to do. Together we enjoyed a meal that everyone could partake in each dish, and we had a great time!

It might sound rather simplistic, but I can’t think of a metaphor more fitting for Creating Belonging. Designing spaces that honor our individuality but don’t exclude some or highlight differences in a negative way. I get that if you’re entertaining 100 people, this feat might be impossible, but for a dinner of less than eight people, it’s a little extra work that is worth the effort. As I wrote this book, I had a conversation with one of the individuals in attendance at this dinner. She said she still remembers it so well because it’s so rare that anyone goes above and beyond to accommodate her dietary needs. It was such a validating check-in, that a simple act deepened belonging and made a lasting impression on someone.

Because I tell this story so often now, the most common question I get is “what did you make?” As guests arrived, we had assorted cheeses and crackers. Once sat for the meal we had a simple salad with a homemade dressing. The main course was olive oil poached salmon over pasta with a homemade tomato sauce. Dessert was cocktails at the concert later.

I am genuinely excited for the guests lined up for this podcast! They bring a range of experiences and bring to the table many different identities. My hope is that as they share their stories of experiencing various areas of the Creating Belonging model, that you the listener can identify with some of their stories and find new paths to creating belonging for yourself. Look for our first guest out in two weeks.